Complicated
by Yammi-sama
Summary: Cullen still suffers from the pains of his past. after discovering someone from that past, will Dorian be able to help his friend or just make things worse.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or the characters, they belong to BioWare

Chapter 1

10 years, 10 years since the blight, 10 years since the tower and the hurtful things said to the one he had loved, 10 years since the hero fell, 10 years of regret and now it is all brought back by a man from Tevinter with a similar name and appearance. Though they were nothing alike, seeing the mage brought back memories and feelings Cullen had thought were long forgotten.

It was painful, so much regret, of words spoken, of apologies that could never be given, and actions never taken. Over time he pushed these feelings aside, though they still scratched at the back of his mind whenever Dorian was around. It wasn't until they got to Skyhold, after Dorian and Cullen had developed a friendship, and found an old letter that things got complicated.

Dorian had complained about what a mess Cullen's office had become and threatened to tidy the room for him if the commander wouldn't do so himself. And so Cullen was now cleaning his admittedly very messy office, with Dorian's assistance of course. All was well and normal until Dorian found a box of letters Cullen had long forgotten about. Dorian was a curious person by nature and the elegantly written ' _Sir Cullen Stanton Rutherford_ ' caught his attention. He took the letter from the small box and began to read its contents.

' _My dear Knight_

 _I know we didn't part on the best of terms, and that is understandable given what you went through. I know you didn't mean what you said, and I want you to know that I forgive you. I will always love you Cullen, remember that, always._

 _Farewell my love_

 _Darien Amell'_

What was this, he could feel traces of magic still lingering on the paper, it was written by a mage, a mage that loved the commander. Dorian's chest felt tight as jealousy washed over him. From the sounds of it this mage had once had the commander's affection as well, but Cullen had hated mages until recently. Who was this Darien Amell anyway? Without looking at the commander, Dorian placed the letter back in it's box, stood, and posed his question. "Who in the Void is Darien Amell?" 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Cullen froze as the name left Dorian's lips, and silence fell over the office. But not for long, Cullen could feel the tingle of magic as Dorian stormed over and slammed his hands on the now clean desk. "Answer me Commander!" Cullen didn't dear to look at the angry mage, he couldn't bear to see the expression on his friends face. " you hated mages until recently. Have you been lying this whole time!?" Cullen took a deep breath. "No- I- it was a long time ago." Cullen fumbled with his words, he had hoped all this would have stayed in the past, forgotten, but of course fate is a cruel mistress.

"Do you still love him?" Dorian asked, voice calmer now. "you could try to find him, I'm sure with the inquisition's resources it wouldn't be difficult." Cullen looked up at the mage and said with a sigh. "no, I could not." he stood, took out a similar looking letter from his desk drawer and set it in front of Dorian. "I had hoped none of this would come to light but you need to understand." Cullen walked over to one of the doors leading to the battlements. "I need some time, please read the letter Dorian, then you will understand why I kept this hidden and why I can not look for him." and with that he left.

Dorian stared at the letter, the same elegant writing, the same hint of magic, but there was something different, something darker, Cullen told him to read it but he was hesitant. He took a deep breath before opening the letter, he wanted to understand, to be able to help his friend, and so he began to read.

 _'Sir Cullen Stanton Rutherford_

 _All I have known since leaving the circle is war and death, I am no longer protected by the tower and the Templars within, by you. Things didn't go as I would have liked when I left, and I know you never understood why I accepted Duncan's offer. I was loyal to the circle, I betrayed my friend for the circle, yet Knight Commander Gregor could still not overlook the fact that I aided a blood mage, even if it was under order. I was afraid, so when Duncan asked me to become a gray warden I could not say no._

 _I am working hard to bring peace, for you, for Ferelden, for all of Thedas. And to do that I will make the ultimate sacrifice, it is my duty as a gray warden. Morrigan may call me a fool for choosing death, but I am finally at peace. I know I will not survive tomorrows battle and I am not afraid, but I can not leave things as they are, you never responded to my previous letter and I can understand but once again I want you to know I forgive you and I hope you can find happiness._

 _With all my love and more_

 _Darien Amell'_


	3. Chapter 3

Cullen leaned against the stone wall looking out at the vast mountains that surrounded Skyhold. It was a beautiful sight and seemed to have a calming effect on the commander, he would often go there to clear his head. But today was different, his thoughts  
still raced, running through what ifs and worse case scenarios. Would Dorian hate him, think he was just a replacement, or just brush it off like everything else.

If Dorian was anything it was unpredictable, there was no way of knowing what he would do or if he would do anything at all. It was then that Cullen heard footsteps, graceful and familiar, he needn't even look to know it was Dorian.

"I apologize for my earlier outburst, if I had known..." Dorian began, he was never good with situations like this, never knew what he should say or how to say it. Right now all he wanted to do was leave and pretend that none of this ever happened, it  
would be easy, he did it all the time. But this time he couldn't just run away, not from Cullen and from this, he had to see it through.

For a long moment they stood in silence, until Cullen finally spoke. "It is I whom should apologize not you Dorian, you had every right to be angry, I would even understand if you were to hate me" Cullen heaved a sigh staring out into the distance "I  
should have told you."

"I'm your friend not your lover commander, you needn't tell me anything. I too should remember that the next time I get jealous of a dead man." Dorian silently cursed himself for his choice of words hoping he hadn't just made things worse and then he  
noticed it, Cullen's neck and ears were turning an unnatural shade of pink. _Vishante kaffas! He's blushing!_ He thought, relief washing over him.

Cullen cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck nervously "you were jealous? That's why you were upset?" He still couldn't look at the Mage, not with his face a blaze and surely a brilliant shade of crimson. A soft chuckle came from behind him  
and then the Mage spoke. "Is it really that surprising? I'm not blind commander. You're a good man and not unattractive either, anyone would be lucky to have your affection." Dorian paused "So yes, I was jealous."

"Dorian I..." Cullen started but when he turned around to face the Mage, he was already gone. This wasn't the first time Dorian had disappeared before he could respond and it probably wouldn't be the last. Cullen had half a mind go after him, but it was  
getting late and Dorian was to journey to Emprise du Lion with the inquisitor in morning, so he made his way back to his office.

When he arrived paperwork was not all that awaited him, Leliana was leaning against his desk with her arms crossed over her chest and a none too happy look on her face. "You know, if Darien could see you now he'd be both proud and very disappointed in  
you." She started before he had a chance to question her purpose for visiting at such a late hour. "Darien was my friend commander, he confided in me, I know all he ever wanted was for you to be happy."

She pushed herself off the desk and walked over to Cullen placing a hand on his shoulder "You can be happy, you just have to let yourself. He leaves for Emprise du Lion tomorrow yes? Go to him commander,before he leaves and remember, the only  
one keeping you from your happiness is yourself." And with that she left before the poor commander could utter a word.

She was right however, he had to say something but what? Pacing back and forth he began to run through scenarios. What would he say? Would he be able to say it? Would he even have the courage to knock on the Mage's door? And would Dorian even return his  
feelings. 

* * *

The next morning as the inquisitor's party readied for their mission Dorian stole quick glances toward the commander's tower. He couldn't help but wonder if he had said too much, scared the commander away perhaps? Or even lost his friendship. Dorian  
didn't know what he would do if that were to happen, he had precious few friends and cherished each of them.

It was then that he felt a strong and familiar hand on his shoulder. "Come to see us off commander?" Dorian asked with his usual nonchalance, throwing Cullen a sideways glance. Noting Dorian's indifference Cullen was mentally kicking himself for not taking  
Leliana's advice, he tightened his grip on the Mage's shoulder slightly before turning to the inquisitor. "I would like to have a word with Dorian before your departure, if you don't mind" Cullen said with a wary smile.

"By all means, we won't be leaving for a little while yet" Valhen replied with a carefree smile on his face. "Many thanks inquisitor" Cullen said with a small bow before practically dragging Dorian back to his office so they could speak in relative privacy.  
/

* * *

 **Sorry this took me so long, life and massive writers block have been preventing me from updating, the next chapter shouldn't take nearly as long as it is already partially written. Thank you for reading the story so far**  
 **\- yammi  
**


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